Lesson #25: Identity Crisis

Last night was my first shift back since going home to see my family for the holidaze. Any time I see my family, it affects me negatively. They're just toxic, and as with any form of toxicity, you have to purge it from your system before you feel right again. And I'm definitely not feeling right.

I first noticed it on the drive home from the airport. I noticed a heavy melancholy and thoughts of suicide. I noticed this tremendous sense of hopelessness and discontent. But I figured it was just the emotional and mental strain of the trip, the lack of sleep, and the over-indulgence in foods I don't normally put in my body.

Monday morning, at my day job, I was miserable. But that's pretty standard for my day job, so I didn't think too much about it.

But then, Monday evening, when I walked onstage at the peep show, I noticed this unusual feeling, as I watched myself in the mirrors, that I didn't know who or what I was looking at. And I had the thought, as I took in all the johnnies pulling on their wangs, "They are just so ridiculous," all these men, paying money for a peek of vagina. And then I looked around the stage and thought, "And how weird is this? - to be in a virtual closet with a bunch of naked women." It was right about then that I truly wished I had some sort of mood-altering substance in my locker. But all I had was Rescue Remedy, a homeopathic sedative I bought at the pet store for my dog. (I wasn't sure how he'd take to air travel.)

I also had the thought that I really wished I could be with Daddy, someone who actually sees me, unlike the johnnies or my family. All they see is a twat, or a prodigal daughter. Daddy sees more than that. At least, I think he does. I don't even know anymore.

Hence, identity crisis...