Lesson #27: Of Gratitude and Diffidence

I've been at the peep show a little over 4 months now and, for the most part, I really enjoy it. As I've noted in this blog before, usually the only time I don't want to be there is when I'm feeling tired. Besides that, I enjoy the dancing and the interaction with the other girls. Just this week, I found myself thinking multiple times, "I can't believe I'm getting paid for this." I mean, who else gets paid to look at hot (and in some cases, really hot) naked women preening and prancing? - and I'm on the right side of the glass, baby. It's a beautiful thing. It really, really is.

The flip-side of that is the comparisons I'm always trying not to make between me and the other girls. Let me paint a clearer picture for you: some of the girls I'm dancing with have perfect bodies, and I do mean perfect. You would be hard pressed to find even half an ounce of cellulite or a stretch-mark on these women. Perky titties, flat & toned tummies, round & firm asses, legs so long they touch the heavens, with the flexibility and control of competitive gymnasts - and then there's me. Now, don't get me wrong. I know I'm no dog, but I'm not a Victoria's Secret model either (and I'm telling you, some of my co-workers could be). I'm accustomed to being "less than" from all my years as a competitive ballroom & latin dancer. (Truth be told, I use a lot of my old moves on the peep show stage, and the johnnies eat it up. It's a little scary how similar the two worlds are.) I'm used to being not tall enough, not thin enough, and not having the long legs or high-arched feet of the favored dancers. What I'm not used to is dancing naked while being surrounded by mirrors, forcing me to look at the reality of the situation every moment of every shift.

The Upside to All of This...
While I cannot keep my mind from making its comparisons between my body and their bodies, I am gaining a growing appreciation for my body as well as the various shapes and sizes of others. For years - decades - I hated my body, hated every square inch of it. Now, I make a good part of my living by baring it to the world (or at least the part of the world that frequents a peep show), and people pay to see it. I no longer hate my body. I look in the mirror and, while I see "problem areas" that I'd like to fix, I also see a girl who can create some beautiful lines and shapes and motions, using nothing more than what she came into this world with. And of that, I'm pretty damn proud.