Lesson #29: Random Muses

• I realized that the vast majority of dancers here, including me, have the ability to put on this "I'm-so-into-myself-and-entirely-apathetic-towards-you" facial expression at will. I can't speak for anyone else, but I typically use it if I'm dancing for a customer who gives me the creeps. It helps me avoid eye-contact with him. There are some people you just don't wanna let that close to you.

• It's difficult for me to date girls and not compare them to the girls at work, who are just so utterly hot.

• Some of the songs we have to dance to I find very offensive. For example, "Bring it to me sweaty 'cause I like it when it's funky." Seriously? That's supposed to make me feel sexy? Please.

• There's not a lot of privacy to be had in the dressing room, and usually, that's totally fine, but when I'm sitting on the toilet, tryin' to poop, well, you probably see where I'm going with this...

• More often than not, when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, dancing at the peep show improves my mood. That's a pretty cool thing. I mean, how many people can say their work improves their mood? I consider myself lucky.

• I'm forming a hypothesis that the men who stare so intently at my twat - I'm talking about the ones who are just utterly mesmerized - are men who were raised in cultures and/or families where they were forbidden/not given the opportunity to look at vag.

• Considering we're an "all nude" revue, I spend a lot of time thinking about what to wear onstage.

• Dancing for a living means I can eat pasta - guilt free!

• Regarding a song we were dancing to one night: First, I thought the vocalist was saying, "jiz." Then I thought he was saying, "shivs." Finally, I realized he was saying, "shoes."

• Too many consecutive days off from work and I start to get very paranoid about the calories I'm putting in my body.

• The more I listen to the conversations that occur at work, the more I am convinced that everyone's high.

• In the private show booth one night, I was solicited for $228. and two tickets to the Billy Joel concert. When I turned him down, he tried again, only this time he said they were tickets to the Elton John concert. Seriously? Dude, are you so fucked up right now that you don't even know what those tickets you're looking at are for? Get out my freakin' booth, crackhead!

• A man who stands in the booth with his arms crossed while watching us dance looks pissed-off and is unlikely to get a good show.

• My biggest gripe about work actually has nothing to do with work. It's the location. Big city = SHIT PARKING!!!

• Was very grateful I didn't work Superbowl Sunday. The guys always act like a bunch of apes when they come in after a game.

• Pre-menstrual cravings always worry me. I imagine I'll awake with a second chin and a third butt-cheek.

• Sometimes, I feel like the spare twat onstage. We all have days like that. I think it's an occupational hazard.

• It's odd for me to want people to find my vagina aesthetically pleasing. I never used to care about such things.

Things I hear/say and experience in my "office" that you never will in your office:

• "I can't find my underwear. Was I wearing any? I don't remember."
• "I'm impressed with your old people skills."
• "Y'know what crazy thing I did last night? I tried shooting a ping pong ball outta my twat. It took a lot of concentration."
• "Wow. That's impressive. The only thing I've ever pulled off with my vagina is a condom."
• 'Who does that occur to? Who wakes up one morning and says, "I know what I wanna do with my life! I know what I'm going to make my occupation: I want to shoot ping pong balls out my twat with laser precision!" How does that happen?'
• Do you get thanked by your clients for getting them off? Didn't think so. ;-)