- Being naked and surrounded by mirrors affords me the luxurious opportunity to admire my marks and bruises, from Daddy, from rope, from beatings and boots and thrashings on concrete. I cover the worst of it with tattoo cover-up, but I don't cover everything. I wonder if the johnnies even see the marks. I mean, I'm sure they can see them, but do they pay any attention to them? I doubt it. They're so fucking transfixed by my vagina. Now, if I ever show up with a boot-print on my pubic mound, that might raise some eyebrows. Mmmmm, I can dream, can't I?
- This is not the greatest job to be doing when you're menstruating. Sometimes I feel like I can smell my menstrual blood onstage. That makes me self-conscious like nothing else.
- Told my therapist I'm a peepshow dancer. Was sure she'd be judgmental about it and give me all the reasons why it wasn't a valid occupations, and try to convince me to get a different job, etc. She did none of those things. She was quite neutral about the whole thing. I'm so proud of her! Now the question is, do I tell her I'm kinky and poly too???
- Dancing at work seems to help lift my mood when I'm in sub-drop mode, which is likely to be happening more frequently now that I seem to have a regular D/S and S&M partner. I really like that my night job is beneficial to my mood, as opposed to my day job which makes me feel like an indentured servant. Ugh!
- Every time "Dick in a Box" plays when I'm onstage, I think to myself, "That's where I'd keep my dick."
- Yes, please, by all means, point out the zit on my face and react in disgust multiple times. THAT'S gonna get me to give you a good show. Dude, if you're that offended by my blemish, go to another fucking window, you moron!
- Some days, I feel like I showered in ugly.
- Even with its ups and downs, the peep show remains the one constant in my life. Well, that and my dog.
- I've become one of those girls who can wear nothing more than a swatch of cloth that's more akin to a belt than a skirt, and make it look good. And I don't say that with any arrogance. I say it with amazement and gratitude. Yay! (So then why do I still feel like I could lose another 30 pounds???)
- Crazy guy in face-paint, sucking on oyster shells, pay for a show or leave! You can't just stare at me for free. I am not a mannequin in a window. I'm a real, live girl, with bills to pay.
- A johnny dropped $50. on a private show, only to not orgasm, thank me politely and walk out. He didn't even use all his time. Not sure if the problem was him or me, but I felt bad for him.
- Had another U.F.O. day (ugly, fat & old). Days like that make me wish I had the discipline to be anorexic.
- Felt terrible about myself after indulging in candy and cake, even though I've lost 40 pounds and fit into clothes from Wet Seal and Charlotte Russe (places I haven't been able to shop at in years).
- Had a nightmare that a johnny found a way into the private booth. It was quite a disturbing dream. I'm considering carrying pepper spray with me.
- I'm so sick and tired of being harassed by beggars on my way in and out of work. Asking for money is one thing, but having a shit attitude about it is totally unacceptable.
- One of the girls is plying me with Hello Kitty stuffs. Yay!
- The owner of the little market/deli around the corner from the peepshow dropped a banana into my grocery bag FOR FREE. I'm glad little things like that still make me smile.
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